The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
