Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
