I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
