i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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