STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
