I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
