Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's blow job season.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
