it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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