Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
