today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
