Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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