i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
