Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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