And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
