The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
