Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I met the friendliest cop last night
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
