it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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