do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
