Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
