Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
