Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
