i think my tv is drunk
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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