im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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