Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
