So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
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