A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sext me about skeletons
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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