Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
