Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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