Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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