I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
