the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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