Kiss
Puke
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
