In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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