fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
