you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
