the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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