a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
