That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
