we made out on top of his cat.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
