I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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