Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
