It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
