my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
