He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You left your phone here
Wait...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
