My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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