its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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