I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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