I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
