Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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