i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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