instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
