You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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