Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
