Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
